What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 01:49
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was seconnd youngest,
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
Eum labore eaque vel aspernatur magnam modi rem.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was 9 years of age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I waited trembling.
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I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What did i know ?
I write beautiful poetry .
I couldn’t, believe it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I will be 64.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She found it foreign!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It was going to be , some day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.